I think that I've begun to understand a little bit about this God thing. The whole concept of God is not actually a concept at all. I was trying to put God into some kind of understandable terminology. I think I do this because I'm human. I was looking for an understanding of God in my head. Looking for God in my head is a little like looking for the Pacific Ocean in my bathtub. Only more so.
I took my choice of human qualities and tried to assign them to God. I tried to put God into words into some nice kind of hold-able thing. Into an easy convenient package that I could pull out when I needed to. Just reach up on the shelf and go, "look what I have."
Sounds pretty silly to me now. I was trying to describe a spiritual presence in physical terms. Looking for God in my head instead of in my heart. Thinking that I had some kind of control over how God should do God's thing. Kind of a, "here God, let me show you" mentality. "This is how I would like to use You today." When I finally decided to try to let God use me, I began to learn how to feel the presence of God. I began to learn how to let God guide me
I know today what it feels like to be closer to God than ever before. I know that I often place things between myself and God. I know that trying to place my human limitations into my understanding of God, is one of those things. And I know that when I do my best to seek God with my heart and soul, when I am somehow able to momentarily completely trust God, the things that are between me and God are removed. And when I can do that, I am in tune with myself, I am in tune with my fellow person, I am in tune with the universe. With God. And that is peace.
I have come to believe that these few moments of peace that I am able to find today are more wonderful than anything I can possibly have. Still, being human, I continue to struggle with much of this. I plan on being human as long as I breathe. But with God's help, if I truly trust, I will struggle less and be closer to God.
And undoubtedly, the greatest gift I have received from this, or will ever receive, is the ability to sometimes see myself, and other people on a spiritual plane.
I once thought that being me was a curse, when it was really a blessing. Those of you who truly open yourselves up to my spirit, receive that blessing, as did I when I opened myself up to my own spirit. And when I open myself up to other people's spirits, I receive that blessing too.
Ironically, one of the people in this world who most helped me to see that, would tell you that they do not believe in a God, at least not in the same way that I do.
In that gift, I discover the difference between spirituality and religion. And what makes it such an incredible gift is this. When my world stops spinning, when all is said and done, the only thing that is really going to matter, is what's in my heart
© 07/26/2008, Stephanie Mott
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