A Perfect Place
Coming out is the single most significant thing I have ever done in my life. All other events of my life, before and after, were changed. They were reshaped, justified, fulfilled, discovered, and brought into being. It is the image of a life-long chrysalis. A horrifying nightmare of darkness instantly reborn into a beautiful butterfly. Wings feeling the freedom of stretching into the frightful unknown, if for no other purpose than just to be.
My “staying in” took me to the edge of death. Always in fear of what I would lose, I played the same cards for 48 years. I lost every hand. In the process, I lost all those things I had been afraid of losing. Fear becomes only a shadow in the light of nothing left to lose. It is replaced by comfort, which is in turn replaced by the recognition that staying in, is no longer an option.
They say, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. And appear they did. A counselor, a friend, another friend, and a church. The only thing you know for certain is that there is no other direction but forward. The visibly shaking step finds ground, and the heart begins to beat with a different sound. No longer the hourglass slipping away the sands of time toward the end of pain that can only come from death. With each amazing beat, comes the knowledge that it only matters that I open myself to the possible. Not that I win or lose. Not that I reach some unimaginable place of truth, self, and joy. Only that I take the next step, and believe in the next beat of my heart.
For me, the next step always seemed to find the most perfect place in which to land. The most perfect people were always there. As if they were waiting, with the innocence of childhood, for the moment to arrive. Then taking their pre-ordained role in bringing the newborn into the world with all that she would need.
There is no curiosity about what if I had broken into the light even one moment earlier. It was perfect. It was perfect because the understanding soon found itself fully aware. It is not about my journey, but about creating a most perfect place for the first visibly shaking steps of the next newborn. All things became possible with that first step. Life did, in fact, begin in that moment. The moment that waited a lifetime, to become a life.
© 10/11/2011, Stephanie Mott
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